I just watched Rachel Getting Married. Right now I'm a bit torn up. The main character has, shall we say, issues. I recognized them in her, and I'm thinking of them now. Addiction.. to drugs, cigarettes, attention. Feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and deep-seated guilt.
My memories now consist of what others tell me. Maybe all those canned cokes finally gave me alzheimer's, I'm not sure, but I cannot remember my life. I can't tell you what I did five minutes, five hours, five days, or five years ago. Instead, I ask people who were there, who became my memory by proxy, to tell you who I was, what I did, and how I thought. Who I loved, who I hurt. Mostly I just hurt people, according to the calculations.
The memory problems began the week after my mother died, in 1997. It took 11 more years until I finally broke down from that, and spent a few weeks in the nuthut learning to walk, mentally speaking, again. It's been about a year since then, and I've existed in some sort of stasis.. not happy, not sad.. just here, spinning wheels. Flatlined from life, emotion.
Sometimes I feel like running back to the hospital, telling them to work on me some more, that I rushed things. The next thought is, but what if I cannot be fixed? Am I just screwed-up for good, no cure for this insane cancer, no parole from this crazy mixed-up jail in my mind?
I just don't know if I can face that. I don't know.
There are three songs I cannot listen to. End of the Innocence/Don Henley. Georgia on my Mind/Willie Nelson. Under the Milk Way/The Church. Too much pain there. Maybe someone else should listen to them. They're all great songs. I just can't.
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